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| 04:02am 08/06/2006 |
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mood:  cheerful music: weezer "my name is jonas"
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though i thought last year was the best year of my life, i think this year is going to shape up to be even better. in the past year, i have made some of the best friends anyone could ask for. every day is filled with genifer, chris, mike, and sometimes erica. and if not them, then the people i've known and loved for years (or for what seems like forever) such as kelly, brooke and megan...and of course eric. i know i'm missing people but those are just the one's i see most. i'm slowing down on the bar-going for the summer since there's more to do: swimming, disc golf, driving around with the convertible top down blasting great music, climbing on rooftops in pontiac and staring up at the stars. luna has been good to me but i'm retiring my 3-4 days a week routine of going there...once a week-or every few weeks is enough. saves me money and makes me gain less weight that i would otherwise gain from drinking so much. life seems so effortless lately. i go to work, i stay out late, i wake up in the middle of the afternoon, i do it all over again. i've never felt quite so content, at least not since i was very young. i've turned down dates with perfectly good guys because i'm having so much fun with my friends that i don't want to date right now. there's no time for having to talk to some one on a daily basis and worrying about fitting them into your plans when you've got so much great stuff going on. michigan doesn't seem so boring anymore either. free shows at pine knob, weddings, swimming, going out dancing, karaoke, dive bars, really the ideas are endless. i'll get by just fine with a little help from my friends... |
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| 10:35pm 01/02/2006 |
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mood:  disappointed music: jimi hendrix "voodoo child"
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lesson of the week kids...don't trust anyone of the opposite sex unless you know them better than you know yourself, not even for a second. it usually ends up not being worth it. unless you're 100% positive, don't let down your guard and don't tell anyone you don't 100% trust anything important or personal about yourself.
hi, my name is nicole. i set myself up for disappointment like it's my job. i think i might become a nun, what do you think? i could call any number of people in my long phone list but i guess i'm not in the mood anymore.
i got my shirt from ebay in the mail yesterday after over a month...it fit funny so i decided today i would sew it to fit me...of course my sewing machine is broken, why wouldn't it be? it almost ate my shirt...oh yeah, and my phone snapped in half this week so i had to go buy a new one with the money i was saving for my car repair bill. this is not my day...or week, or year for that matter. i should be done being emo by tomorrow hopefully |
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| 03:44pm 04/01/2006 |
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mood:  annoyed music: queen "killer queen"
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ebay is ridiculous lately. i was addicted to it for quite awhile but now it looks like i've been screwed over twice in the span of a month. first, i try to buy something for josh, the guy i work with who i was "secret santa" for. it never comes in the mail. i got the email a week and a half after i sent my money order saying that it was received and the present would be shipped the next day. that was over 2 weeks ago. i had to buy him something else and waste more money.
second, i win this auction monday night and send a money order at the post office between shifts tuesday afternoon. i get home and get this email:
"Hi,
Are you going to pay for your shirt by a money order? Please email me back. I will email you the address to send the payment to. It is not the one you had. Thank you."
so i send this ridiculous person an email saying i already sent it out before i read the message and today i get back:
"There is no way I can get it. Can you contact the post office and cancel it? I am so sorry for the inconvenience."
yeah, because the post office is just going to hold onto it for two days for me because they secretly knew that this person is an idiot and posts an inaccurate address on their ebay account. after i got this email, i got kind of bitchy with them telling them i wanted my shirt and there was no way i was sending $30 again because of their mistake.
lesson of the day, don't use money orders on ebay, and don't trust ANYONE! |
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| 08:33pm 18/12/2005 |
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mood:  restless music: david bowie "young americans"
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i wish i had a million dollars. not so i could spend it on myself and buy things i don't need. i really just think a lot of my friends could use a vacation and i wish i could take them all on one right now. it seems like this time of year is so rough...i remember when i used to like christmas but that feeling is in the past. i don't wish i was a kid again because there are so many people who are important to me now that i haven't known that long. but why do i always feel like i'm responsible for cheering everyone up? and why do i get so depressed when my best efforts fail to do much good? if i could take all the money i've made this year and all the money i'm given for christmas and somehow buy happiness for a few people who really deserve it, there's nothing i'd want more. and i don't mean buy happiness in the sense that buying them material things should cheer them up...i would just give anything for people to feel good again. i've just been thinking about this a lot lately... |
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| 08:35pm 06/12/2005 |
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mood:  mellow music: lou reed "walk on the wild side"
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i've been sitting here trying, without much luck, to study for over an hour. i don't like missing people. but then i always miss him when he's not around. it doesn't help that i'm sitting here, mostly dressed in his clothes that still smell of him, listening to the velvet underground on repeat. it does feel good to know you are missed as well though. this past weekend was one of the best ones i've had in about as long as i can remember. saw almost all of the people who happen to be my favorites at this moment. didn't get to bed until 7 and 8 am both nights (or mornings, rather). found that opening up makes you feel a closeness you didn't feel before. i wish i was being productive right now, but it's so difficult. a million things are going through my mind. i'm stressed yet i'm calm and feel this sense of contentment. i want to make something for a few people for christmas, i want them to be special. i need to find the time. i think i'll get back to work now... |
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| 10:21pm 21/09/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful music: cindy lauper "time after time"
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this update is for the express purpose of telling everyone in livejournal land how cool my friends jessica and genifer are. thank you guys (excuse me, girls) for showing me a good time so much lately. i love you both. also, there's that heather gal who ain't so bad herself. so this is what being 21 is all about, huh? well...it rules. and to anyone who has yet to visit gen at luna and accompany me in dancing to new wave and synthpop, what are you waiting for? not being 21 should be your only excuse |
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| 02:47am 20/09/2005 |
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i feel like i should regret what i just did...but i don't. all i can say is "gag me with a fucking spoon." when you say some one is one of your best friends, you don't show it by dropping them on their ass. thank you for showing no regard what-so-fucking-ever for me and thank you for always using the word "we" when i invite you to hang out. i certainly didn't invite "you both" to hang out, and i'm certainly sick of trying to invite "you." i'll be so much better off without you; thanks! |
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| 11:41pm 05/09/2005 |
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mood:  melancholy music: rolling stones "miss you"
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school hasn't even been in session for a week and it's already throwing me for a loop. i'm bracing myself to kiss having a life goodbye and wave hello to hours of brushing up on my french skills. apparently in my french 314 class, we are not allowed to speak a word of english while in that classroom all semester or our grade lowers. i haven't taken french for almost 2 years...i don't really remember much and i'm now expected to hold entire conversations in the language. i have a feeling much of my free time is going to be devoted to reading over my old french books/notes for awhile. also, finding times where my school/work schedule doesn't clash with everyone else's so i might see my friends once every month or two isn't looking so hot. i miss megan already. i really miss mike although he only lives in ann arbor and just moved there yesterday. apparently he isn't going to have internet access in his apartment until the 21st so that means i'm going to have very limited interaction with him, something that i need to maintain sanity and hold myself together much of the time. the few people i know that i have seen on campus so far, i can't really say i was thrilled to see for the most part. it seems that everyone i know is attending OU now...where are they all? attention jessica: if you read this, i know we aren't really taking classes we can skip out of anymore but we should really make a panera trip; you know you want soup in a breadbowl :) i'm on campus all day on wednesdays so i've made up your mind that you should come visit me sometime. it's been so long i forgot what you look like.
last concern...at a party last friday night, my car seems to have been sideswiped so my door is dented and no longer opens very well and my side mirror is hanging funny. in addition, my brakes need to be fixed and i need to somehow pay for school. i feel like i should pull a genifer and find another job (or two or three) but unfortunately school isn't leaving me much time for that. if anyone would like to donate to the "nicole is in debt up to her ears" fund, apply here. that is all |
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| 09:41pm 25/08/2005 |
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mood:  blank music: inxs "devil inside"
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tonight i read something that made me so upset i threw up. if you think i may be upset or annoyed with you, please leave me alone. that is all |
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| by request: official end of summer update |
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| 02:00am 20/08/2005 |
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mood: mellow music: soft cell "tainted love"
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i didn't really figure there was anything to write about that i haven't already said a million times before, but lately i have two thoughts always on my mind, one being my relationships (or "relationships" as i sometimes think) with my friends. i know i've never been good at making AND keeping friends but between some things being my fault and some things being theirs, i seem to be developing the feeling that i'm losing many of them, either permanently or temporarily. there are the obvious instances of people moving away, such as amber who i haven't talked to since she moved to california because when i im her it ends up being her sister. also megan who is going back to new york for yet another school year in less than two weeks. i barely saw her at all while she was home partly due to her mom not letting her stay out past midnight and me not calling her much because of this. diana was supposed to move to minnesota for school and, although i hadn't talked to her in awhile (my fault) until tonight, i still find comfort in the fact that she will be attending the same school as me winter semester. then there is the significant other problem. as everyone knows, i seem to be terminally single and at this point, expect to remain this way indefinitely. however, everyone else around me seems to be pairing up and no longer needing me, forgetting that i still depend on them. brooke is married as of a few weeks ago and i NEVER see her because she was/is always with her fiance, now husband. there's no point in trying to be cheryl's friend as long as her bf is here (luckily for her friends he is going back to florida for school at the end of the month) since when she promises to call, i can expect that she will not because at any given time, she will be with him. which leads me to jason, my best friend from last winter until mid summer. ever since he met that girl i might as well say goodbye to being his good buddy since he makes it clear that he just can't live without her for more than five minutes. trying not to be bitter, it gets tiresome to call someone and expect for them to turn me down to hang out most times because they have plans with the gf every day for the next week (sure the hour long trips for coffee on a thursday are fun, but forget friday-sunday unless i want to tag along on what is "date weekend" every weekend without fail) and i just don't feel like tagging along and witnessing all the "happy couples" being all sappy when it makes me want to do nothing but vomit. and anyone who knows anything at all about me knows that i'd rather be stuck at work for 15 hours than spend a day with a very religious person (also another reason i lost touch with brooke for so long since her mom shoving religion in my face is more than i can stomach). it's diana and jessica, who seems to be finally coming around after taking a nearly year long hiatus from friends since meeting her current bf that make me feel hope for people in general. them and genifer who i met through my brother, who has become my karaoke/bar going/dancing buddy in recent weeks along with mike who continues to show me that he is in fact a loyal, trustworthy friend that i can count on. while i'm glad that i'm making new friends and an old one or two (along with myself) are coming around, i wish most of my long-term friends would/could be there for me on a more consistent basis since i still feel this lonliness that at times just drives me crazy (i guess i don't have to mention kelly or eric since i know i have always been able to trust them with my life).
this all leads me to the second thing i've been thinking about a lot as of lately. i've decided i'm really going to make an appointment to see a therapist at least once a week. having anyone i can always depend on to tell everything i'm feeling to, especially that may be able to help me sort through it all, is exactly what i feel i need. actually, i think it will be sort of fun. although i feel more mentally stable now than at this time last year (or even 3 or 4 months ago) i still think i could use a little work and i think i could become even more awesome that i currently find myself to be. maybe i'll even stop hiding the fact that i think i'm awesome when i'm around everyone else. |
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| 04:35am 09/07/2005 |
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mood:  content music: neil diamond (still) "cracklin' rosie"
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it's amazing how much life can completely change unexpectedly in the span of a day... |
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| 02:02pm 02/06/2005 |
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music: frankie valli "can't take my eyes off you"
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this is for jason who tells me i never update this thing. i've been thinking a lot lately about why i'm so stressed out all the time and i've always contributed it to other people driving me nuts and blaming them completely. as it turns out, my problem is that i can't take no for an answer. my mom tells me she isn't giving me fistfuls of money to go to an unnecessarily expensive school and instead of thinking of other ways to come up with some of the money, i like to argue with her and get upset when things don't go my way. someone tells me they can't see me all the time because they don't have time to sleep or eat let alone hang out with ANYONE at all and i just see that as they don't want to hang out with me. i take everything personally and feel that i'm not good enough when, in reality, none of it has anything to do with me, the world just does not revolve around me; it's hard enough for everyone else without me whining at them all the time. i didn't really realize something else was upsetting me as much as it is either. my brother's behavior about life in general has been kind of bothering me for quite awhile, but just recently i realized how competely depressed it makes me to live here with him and not be able to do anything about him. i want to help but there's really nothing i can do. i want to help everyone and sometimes i just end up getting to be annoying because there's nothing i can do to help them either. i sound like an f*ing miss america contestant but that's what my problem is sometimes. whenever people around me are unhappy about anything, i want to be the one to make everything better for them. this is completely unrealistic yet i still convince myself i should be able to do something. the reality of it is, i can do something for them, but sometimes that "something" is just to lay off them and not demand so much from them.
i am no longer going into interior design. after the whole IADT incident i sat and thought about it and i really don't want to take out student loans to pursue something that doesn't really excite me. if i really want to "just get a degree and get the hell out" i might as well do it in something i can do at OU or somewhere cheaper since nothing at all is really exciting to me as a career. maybe i'll become a flight attendant and travel the world, something i've always wanted to do...you don't even need a college degree for that at all, although i would probably get at least an associates relating to french because they prefer people who are bilingual.
that leads me to my last thought for the day. my dad told me that he is, for sure, taking me to france this summer. that is perhaps one of the most exciting things i will ever do since i have wanted to visit france for about 8 years now. if i find a friend who can afford to go half on a ticket with me, i can take someone with me, but i doubt i will be able to find anyone who can afford it, but too bad because i'm going anyway. after all, how many friends do i actually have? i've been thinking about this too, and i really only have a small handful. i've got kelly who is too busy to hang out but once every month or two. there's megan who lives in new york at least 9 months out of every year. there's amber who is moving to california in august. there is jason, who i see the most probably. there is mike sometimes, although i go weeks without talking to him. at this point, that is about it. there is brandon who i talk to as much as some of the other people listed, but i don't really know what i consider him right now; i don't know if i'll ever know. i envy those people who tell me about their big group of friends that do everything together because i've never had that. i've never been good at making/keeping friends and i know that. |
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| 01:56am 21/05/2005 |
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mood:  happy music: phil collins "i wish it would rain down"
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i got sick of seeing the last entry every time i opened up my lj. so i'm posting another one. don't really have too much to say. megan came home so i went in her hot tub after work tonight. the fun has officially started since she is here. ummm, lets see. went to dave and busters with amber, tanner and their friend chris last night to watch the pistons, drink white russians, and play arcade-like games, that was a good time. the dating cycle keeps going around and around, and i seem to be stuck in it forever. right now i'm happy where i'm at, hopefully we don't drive eachother nuts anymore; i want to be done with that because i've never met anyone like him and know it will be hard to again. i keep telling myself i shouldn't let him be that important to me, but he really is. i've seen kelly 3 times in the past week which is also awesome since i usually only see her once a month at most. i guess that's all that's going on, life is pretty sweet...being old now and all |
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| 01:20pm 12/05/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy music: better than ezra "desperately wanting"
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my birthday turned out a success, yesterday was awesome. first, eric and i went out for lunch. then after re covering from that, the fam took me out for dinner and drinks followed by cookie monster cake at my house with a huuuuge martini. i have pictures of that which might end up on here later. then i sat down to watch the pistons for awhile and recover a little more. then, my best friend kelly and her boyfriend brian came over along with eric again, and we went to mr. B's. i was planning on kicking everyone's ass in pool but apparently i got too drunk to play. the pistons lost... boooooooo! i faintly remember seeing everyone i used to work with at outback but luckily for me i'd had one too many long islands to care by then. kelly got me this great scrapbook that she's going to help me work on, dad gave me all kinds of money, my aunts got me a beautiful emerald necklace to match a ring and bracelet i already have, amber gave me a big bottle of vodka and a great rolling stones shirt, and mom, of course, got me the laptop which should be delivered in the next few days. i gave up on all my flaky friends yesterday since i was supposed to see a bunch of people and only ended up seeing kelly...but i'm ok with that, i don't think the day could have been any better. |
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| 12:13am 11/05/2005 |
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mood:  excited music: the smiths "i want a boy for my birthday"
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i am now officially old. how do you like that? |
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| 02:04am 08/05/2005 |
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mood: excited music: toad the wet sprocket "all i want"
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my mom bought me a laptop for my birthday!!! i got an email saying she bought a laptop for $1700 and i'm not even supposed to about this yet. thats what she gets for using my email address-i get all her mail before she does. this is TOTALLY SWEET |
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| 12:30am 02/05/2005 |
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mood:  calm music: the smiths "every day is like sunday"
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random thoughts for the week...
-i have a wedding to go to in less than two weeks...i need a date. i spent $100 on a totally hot dress and shoes and have no one to wear them for
-i turn 21 in less than two weeks
-i need a better job but i don't want to work full time and wake up early all the time
-i'm bored with not dating but i'm convinced all the attractive guys are gay or assholes and i've decided i'm making my standards high and not dating anyone that isn't at least as attractive as myself and as nice to me as i believe i deserve (and i believe i deserve a lot)
-maybe i should stop talking to new people until i learn to stop complaining about things. i talk to my best friends next to never so i end up telling personal things to complete strangers just to have someone to talk to and they never want to talk to me again after that
-i need to stop making new male friends unless i'm interested in dating them because i don't like when i have friends that i know like me but i won't ever date them. happens to me too often
-school is over. that makes me happy
-i am going to a real college again in the fall (i think)
-megan coming home soon = awesome
-i'm sick of it being all cold and icky. it's may now!
-i need more friends that are dependable and that i actually feel like hanging out with on a normal basis
-i need to read that book mike recommended to me now that i don't have homework to do
-the movie "hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy" sucks. don't see it
-i want to go to the holocaust museum
-the pistons are awesome
-i want a laptop. i need to learn to save money better
i do believe that is all for now. happy end of semester to everyone! i feel a lot less stress now |
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| 11:38pm 16/04/2005 |
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mood:  angry
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work was absolute hell today. i've decided i'm never working a double two days in a row again. in other news, i find it interesting how my mom is well aware of the fact that i cannot stand her boyfriend, yet complains to me that i never come visit her when he is at her house every fucking waking minute of every day. it's absolutely absurd. i hope he finds his way to the door soon and doesn't let it hit him on the way out...or maybe it should hit him. if you couldn't tell, i'm not in the best of moods right now. |
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